Pauline's Happenings

**I got sent this from both Mom & Jackie just days a part! LOL

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol a bit. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them is a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick. “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I’ve gone to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning paper. His son is sitting at the table eating. Jack asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, Jack asked his son, “So why is everything in perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you into the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”

Broken Coffee Table…$239.99
Hot Breakfast…$4.20
Two aspirins…38 cents
Saying the right thing, at the right time…Priceless

**Jackie sent this to me, too funny………..grin

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.” The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding up the bucket, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral: Old men can still think fast!